


the sad day

by pabbit



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Changbin is a good boyfriend, Established Relationship, Graphic Description, I Love You, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Nobody is Dead, Suicide Attempt, They Hug, don't stay in silence, get help, i love seungbin okay :(, if you dont feel comfortable dont read, just wanted to tell this story, seungmin suffered a lot thats it, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-28
Updated: 2020-03-28
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:55:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23366563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pabbit/pseuds/pabbit
Summary: it's been three years and i think i'm finally ready to talk about what happened to me.
Relationships: Kim Seungmin/Seo Changbin
Kudos: 22





	the sad day

**Author's Note:**

> T/W
> 
> mention of suicide and self harm PLEASE if you feel uncomfortable reading this kind of thing just search for another story.

— seungmin babe, oh my god i was terrified! why didn’t you answer my calls? — changbin enters his boyfriend’s room so fast the door slams against the wall.

— hyung, why are you here? i said earlier i was fine. — seungmin said seemed to be kind of zoned out.

— i know you’re not fine. — the older sat beside him on the bed and brought his little body closer to his chest. — it’s that day.

— yes. — seungmin said in a whisper and suddenly tears started to fell from his eyes wetting changbin’s shirt.

they both stayed in silence for a while, just listening to seungmin’s hiccups and the neighbors laughter. those walls were so thin, changbin already knew almost everything about the couple that lived on the other side from all the sleepless nights he spent on this room too scared to close his eyes. he really wished sometimes his relationship with seungmin was like theirs but he wouldn’t dare say that out loud, he himself thinks that this is such a selfish thought and it’s not seungmin’s fault he had so many troubles as he grew up.

it’s not like things were like this since the beginning. seungmin once was as happy as them, his smile seemed to brighten the darkest place on earth, and it was so warm… changbin sometimes missed the times he spent with his boyfriend just lazily lying on his bed laughing until their tummies hurt. but it was all gone now, and he couldn’t remember the last time the other boy smiled the way he used to.

— they left yesterday. — seungmin finally spoke after what looked like hours of nonstop crying.

— we both know your parents are stupid people and don’t deserve you. — changbin wiped the cheeks of his cute boy and kissed his nose to comfort him. — it’s better this way, they won’t bother you today and we can spend the entire evening together.

— thank you for always staying with me hyung. — seungmin said, pecking the older’s lips before hugging him. — i think i’m ready to talk about that day.

— that day you don’t even talk to your therapist about? — changbin replied, shocked. 

seungmin nodded, with his head still on the crock of the neck of his boyfriend, smelling the sweet aroma of his cologne. the sad day, as he liked to call it sometimes, happened three years ago and no one besides his parents, jeongin and seungmin himself knew what marked that day as the worst day of the boy’s life. not even his therapist got seungmin to open up, he refused to talk about it with anyone, changbin tried to make him speak but the boy always would start to cry and he gave up eventually.

they were dating for almost four years now and the older saw the way life left his boyfriend’s eyes after that day and promised to himself he would do anything to bring his minnie back. now, this exactly day, marked three years since and it was the first time seungmin felt confident enough to talk about how everything fell apart.

both boys were lying on the bed, seungmin was taller but he lost a lot of weight and looked very small in changbin’s strong arms. he didn’t know how to start but the gentle fingers on his hair were assuming he could take any time he wanted.

he then, sighed.

“it’s been three years since my first attempt to suicide.

at that time i didn’t know what depression was and nor that i was depressed, all i knew was that my life was a living hell and i wanted to end everything soon. now, things are kind of blurry, i think my brain managed to forget what caused me pain but i still feel it, that…. thing i was looking for so desperately, i remember all i felt for almost a year was nothing.

my parents fought a lot at that time for literally anything, and they used to blame me for their mistakes. sometimes my dad was so mad at me that he spanked me until i got unconscious, he would say that he hated me and he wish he could kill me and throw my body on the yard to everybody see. he was a monster, i mean, he still is but he used to be worse.

everytime my parents left the house, i felt the urge to take medications for no reason. i would go to the kitchen, get as many pills i could carry and swallow it, hoping to something to happen, but nothing ever happened.

i wanted to feel alive for once, i was tired of that numbness and was so alone when you weren’t here that the only way i found to not think i was fading away was to hurt myself.

it wasn’t that bad on the beginning, i would just scratch my arms until i feel blood and it hurted but it wasn’t enough, i wanted marks, i wanted to see how miserable i was and yes, i started to cut myself. it was really painful but that made me feel good, my heart beated so fast when i did that and i really liked to see my own blood dripping on the floor.

no one has ever noticed until my clothes got dirty with red marks. my mom screamed at me so much, she made me promise i wouldn’t hurt myself again but i couldn’t stop, it was so addictive. hurting myself was the only way i found to remember myself that i was still alive and felt everything.

my parents stopped talking to me at that time because i didn’t have strength to reply to them, i had so many things going through my head but i didn’t know anymore how to turn them into words. i was so so so so alone, and you were the only reason i was still fighting to wake up every morning, even if going to school meant to face people that hated me, i knew you would still be there with open arms to hug me and make my heart calm.

but i was getting worse.

that day. the bad day, my dad tried to suffocate me. i don’t remember what i did wrong, all my brain thinks it’s about his hands around my neck and the way he could easily break my bones.

everything's so blurry right now, but i remember sending you a text at lunch saying i loved you, and now i think i already knew what would possibly happen later. 

i was ready to go to sleep when my parents arrived earlier from church, they were probably arguing on the car because my dad’s face was red and my mom refused to look at him. but he saw me, and since he couldn’t scream at my mom again, he said everything he wanted to me for the longest time and i don’t think i will ever forget the way he spat the words ‘i would be so happy if you were dead.’ 

after he left, i was possessed by this urge to do it. since it’s what he wants, why not? i was completely blind, i just did what i felt was right, and in my mind, taking 4 different types of antidepressants at once was the right thing to do.

i hid on my bedroom under my blankets, my heart beating so fast i could feel in my ears, and for the last time i sent a message to jeongin saying i was sorry and i loved him. after that i fell asleep.

when i woke up, i was getting carried out on a stretcher with so many voices around me and soft fingers holding my hand. i felt everything, they putting me on the ambulance, the oxygen mask and jeongin’s hot tears on my skin. i held his hand harder to assure him i was okay but he said i was lying. he jumped to my window when he saw my message because he felt something was wrong and found me having a seizure on the floor, he said it was the most horrific scene he has ever seen and that’s why he doesn’t come to my house anymore.

the doctors were talking to me but i was really tired and just wanted to sleep but they forced me to stay awake, giving me medicine through my veins that was really painful. my parents were there too but only my mom talked to me to say i would have to stay in the hospital for some days because the doctors couldn’t get the medicine i took off my body. 

since that day, i don’t exchange a word with my father and i still face lots of side effects from what i did even three years later.

i would say i didn’t try to take my life away again but i would be lying, i don’t remember anymore what is like to wanting to be alive. 

and that’s what happened to me on the sad day.”

after seungmin stopped his speech the room went quiet. he didn’t want to look at changbin because he was scared of his boyfriend’s reaction, but not even two seconds after, the older held him stronger than ever and seungmin noticed he was crying.

— i’m so sorry you had to go through all of this, i should’ve been there. — he said, sobbing.

— it’s okay hyung. — seungmin said.

changbin started to leave soft kisses all over the younger’s face, trying to make him feel all the love he had only for him.

— i will never again let you suffer alone. — he spoke. — you need to talk about this with your therapist, and i will be there with you.

— hyung….

— seriously seungmin, i can’t imagine my life without you, i might be being selfish but i don’t want to live if you’re not by my side to hold my hand. there’s still so much in this world i wanna show you, and i won’t let you go. please, try just once to get help, leave this house, talk to a doctor, i want to see your smile again.

— i-i a…. — seungmin was speechless, the tears shining in his boyfriend’s eyes made him look even more beautiful than he already was and he talked with such determination that made him believe that yes, things would be fine from now on.

— for us. — he said, after capturing changbin’s lips in his and kissing him with all the love he could. 

i will fight for us if that means i can see your smile again.

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this because i see a lot of people suffering from things like that in silence, and it's okay to get help and talk to the ones you love about what you went through. suicide is never the answer and i promise you, things will get better okay? just hmu if you need someone to talk i'll be always here.
> 
> i love you.


End file.
